Tag Archives: depression

MENTAL HEALTH ADVISORY

6 Feb
As a writer, it might surprise some of you to know that not only do I suffer from Imposter Syndrome, I also have horrible bouts of self doubt and crippling depression.
 
Then I’ll say stupid things on twitter.
They almost always aren’t true, it’s merely paranoia, self-doubt and the black dog whispering in my ear.
 
Then you have people who see you doing this, and try to set the world to rights.
 
The world has lovely people in it. They want to help you. Let them.
Depression is a liar. Don’t listen to it.

The Fight against depression

8 Jun

Recently I’ve been having some issues.

Depression hasn’t been helping me get motivated to write. It’s not like I haven’t been creative, I just haven’t been able to find a way to get myself actually writing and finishing something.

I checked the archive, the last thing I completed was on the 28th May 2017.

Ten whole days ago. That’s not good for a writer.

I wrote something called “The Fight,” a time travel piece where I’m not quite the protagonist but a lot of the names are from my own life. Writing about my sister and mother (both deceased) hurt me more than I thought.

To the point where when I was checking dates, I was in tears!

Then I just bottomed out into a funk, depressed and upset. Not in a good place.
I was angry about my writing, my creativity.

Today I pretty much forced myself to finish something. Almost 4 hours of writing, over 4000 words too. Long, for me. A long session too.

I don’t know if I feel any better, but I feel relieved at having written and finished something in this amount of time.

Even if you have to force yourself, it proves you can keep writing.

The only way out of a creative depressive funk is to get through it.

Here endeth the lesson.

Losing the love…

16 Nov

Since the death of my Mum, I’ve had to come to terms with not just her loss. But the loss of my desire to write as well.

I knew with her being unwell, I wasn’t going to be able to write anywhere near as much as my output last year. Once she passed, my writing just nosedived into oblivion.

It appears that despite not finishing much, I HAVE been writing.

Lots of outlines, frameworks, partial stories.

I just went through what I’ve been calling “a small pile of ideas” for the last few months. Turns out it was a whole lot more than that. It wasn’t small, for starters.

I didn’t count what was in it. I didn’t dare.

At a rough guess I’d say there were at least 30 pieces in there. And that was without counting the things I saw folded inside a Notepad as well.

So maybe I didn’t lose the love, not entirely. Maybe I shunted my focus into a different direction.

There’s a lot there that can easily be finished. A lot that can easily expanded into actual stories too.

There’s a lot.

So I have been writing. Just not the way I was used to.

It’s going to take a long time to find the path back to a proper writing routine. I don’t know how long that path is.

My general feeling is no one human being will ever live long enough to finish all the things I’ve got started there. I’ll just have to try chipping my way through.

Ray Bradbury Challenge, Week 43.

22 Oct

Just finished this weeks story, an idea I had about 4 days ago. I’d written down the outline (quite detailed, long enough to be a short story on its own!) and written 4 lines of basic dialogue which was the end. Then I didn’t feel like writing, and felt I had no decent ideas.

I went with this one anyway, choosing to push through lack of motivation and a low emotional state.

It’s 1551 words and it’s finished. Currently it looks like a crapload of exposition and a shitty rushed ending.
How I’ll feel about it when I come to do more thorough editing is another matter.
At least I’m done for this week.

There’s still “Hesketh Heath” (title still subject to change), which is my attempt at a Jane Austen parody, still unfinished but close to it, still sitting on the desktop with 2 other ideas.

My current lack of motivation says they can both go and fuck themselves sideways with a cactus.
That’s how little I felt like writing today.

Depression 2, Not Electric Boogaloo

14 Jun

Am firmly in the grip of the old black dog again, Meester Depression.

Opened the curtain for some sunlight to see if that’d perk me up. NOPE.
Opened the window for some air to see if that’d make me feel better. NOPE.
Tried some music to see if it could lift me a tad. NOPE.
Made a nice big cold drink of squash to see if that improved life even a fraction. NOPE.

Lots of nope.

It’s amazing how even Tour De France (By Kraftwerk, used in the movie Breakdance) can’t even pick me up right now. I need something INSANELY upbeat & happy.
It’s also too effing hot. That’s not helping. I’m half Welsh. I need rain and overcast skies.

I thought typing up my writing notes would improve things, it didn’t.
It just annoyed me more about not feeling able to write today.
What helps even less is noticing my spelling has gone to hell in a handcart too whilst doing this.

When in doubt, resort to Pacific by 808 State.

Help me Obi Wan Kinobi. You’re my only hope.

Health/Writing Update

17 Apr

Managed to damage my right hand yesterday, I think I was gaming too long and gave myself either RSI or Carpel Tunnel Syndrome.
Either way, it’s now uncomfortable to use a mouse and a bit difficult to type with both hands.
Fortunately I CAN type with my left hand.

Gonna try and rest it as best I can.

Still haven’t made a start on this weeks Bradbury Challenge though, which this will now make tougher.
I had no motivation yesterday.
Hopefully after food today I will write it.
I guess we’ll see later.

Update

3 Apr

Had some good news today, not sure if I can share any details as yet so it’s just going to be listed as “good news” until I know that I can reveal more.

Reading Rick Wakemans biog, very enjoyable so far.

A bit low in the creativity arc this week, I had to really motivate myself hard to do this weeks Bradbury Challenge story.
I’m totally not feeling any urge, need or desire to write anything this week.
I may be on shutdown until next Wednesday.

Hopefully something I read, listen to, watch or see will kick-start me again.
The lows are low, but you have to take the rough with the smooth in this life.

The only thing keeping me up is knowing I can tell you about this news soon.
Be good to each other.
I’m off for a mug of hot Bovril & some toast.

Checking In, As Promised

24 Mar

I said I would yesterday. So here I am.

Feeling a great deal better than yesterday, that was a deep one. Sorry to lay it on you lot as well but it happened.

I want to send a personal message of thanks to Dominic Hamer of Ruthless Peoples Magazine for taking time out of his life to send me that email. It was extremely thoughtful and very kind. For a guy who’s only ever read 1 thing I ever submitted he was really nice about my post yesterday. We need more people like him when we’re depressed.

Todays aim is to type up some 9 Regions stuff.
I’m eating dinner right now so hopefully once I’ve got some fuel in me I’ll feel slightly more alive.
Mood has picked up, it did improve a little yesterday but I ended up going to bed in the end.

Gonna try and find an outline for this weeks Bradbury Challenge from my pile.
The only idea I’ve had this week felt a bit stale and had no ending.
And according to Googles auto-complete, I was the 1st person to ever Google Amelia Earhart lesbian.
Once the sun has moved & ISN’T shining right into my face I’ll open the curtains & get me some sun therapy too.
I struggle in bright light, due to the glaucoma.

Righty, off to finish food then work on 9 Regions stuff.
Be lovely to each other.

NFI, Not Feeling It

23 Mar

I’ll start by being totally honest, you’re about to see a swear word.
NFI actually means Not Fucking Interested.

Right, that’s out of the way.
I am totally NOT feeling like writing at the moment.
Yesterday. Today.
My moods are SUPER low on the writing desires.
Might be the old black dog, Mister Depression.

Whatever it is, I just can NOT find it in myself to do any creative writing at the moment.
I know from previous experience these swings do happen, the longest one was for 5 weeks.
At least that’s the longest recorded one since I started writing properly.

Obviously this blog entry doesn’t count, this is just me telling you how I feel. Generally shitty.
This may spell disaster for the Bradbury Challenge.
Current number of fucks given? None.

All I really want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep.
Intake of fluids isn’t helping.
I went to get some food, I couldn’t even be bothered to do that.

Sleep might be a good thing at this point.
I’ll check back in with you if things improve.

Writing Update

2 Mar

Finished typing up a story I hand wrote on Feb 16th, 952 words after some polishing whilst typing up.

Had a real bad case of the Don’t wanna!‘s typing that up which is why it took so long.
I think writing that Simpsons episode earlier got me out of a rut.

I still have to complete the story I’ve been working on for the last three days now, that might take a while longer. I am going to remove myself from it and work on other stuff that is outstanding that I haven’t looked at for at least a few weeks or more.

Currently this seems to be the best method of finishing a story when I get stuck on it.
Last time I did that I completed either 2 or 3 stories in that day alone.

At least stuff is getting done, I have been writing down ideas and frameworks so I may not be finishing stuff but I am writing stuff. Sometimes the best way out of a hole is to stop digging.