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Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.

7 Feb

2 dalek emperor

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.
Part 2, Dalek Emperor.

The good thing for you about this particular Dalek is he’s fixed to the ground, this one won’t be chasing you anywhere, he certainly won’t be exterminating you either.

The flip side of that, this Dalek is TOTALLY in charge of ALL the other Daleks, when he says jump they say “Don’t be stupid, Daleks can’t jump!” But when he says “Exterminate!” They say who, where, when and why aren’t we killing them already.

Which doesn’t just make him a bastard, he’s the King Of The Bastards.

AVOID! Unplug him if you can.
Staying the hell away is the best plan.

I was then but now I’m not

4 Feb

I started out today looking at an outline for a novel, I was thinking about breaking it down into bits for chapters.

That lasted about an hour, then I had food, then did “stuff” (read nothing) then I had an idea and started writing.

And about an hour or so later I’d finished this weird take on Peter Pan. Quite a unique idea, 1570 words.

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.

1 Feb

3 The_Cult_of_Skaro

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.
Part 3, The Cult Of Skaro.

As with all cults everywhere, these Daleks are complete bastards.

They don’t want you to drink the Kool-aid. They just want you to be a pig-slave.

Or to help them create a Dalek/Human hybrid. No romance, either. Tossers!
They’ve got names. But not good names, like Tom, or David, or Matt.

Weird Dalek names like Jast & Sec. Which frankly sound more like sex toys.

They don’t care if you live in the park, they will kill you or enslave you. Which ever moves them closer to getting off Earth. Despite coming here several times, Daleks DON’T like Earth. Magnets upset them. And Earth’s a big old magnet. Which is good for us, and bad for Daleks! Sucks to be you, Daleks!

Likely to use mind-control & human slaves. Cults are bad, m’kay?

AVOID THEM ALL.

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.

1 Feb

5 Ironside dalek

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.
Part 5, the “Ironsides” Dalek.

It ain’t easy being green. This Dalek likes to pretend it’s not a Dalek.
Likely to offer you tea, but no biscuits. No chance of Jammy Dodgers at all with this guy.
What kind of monster offers tea without biscuits? A Dalek, obviously.

Calls itself “a soldier” but ignores leggy redheads in VERY short skirts. Probably gay, hence surrounding itself with many men.

Will build humanoid robot that is mostly a bomb. Will let you hit it with a MASSIVE spanner, once.
This is probably foreplay to gay Daleks. Don’t let the acting deceive you! Or the faux camo bondage gear it’s wearing.
All the hallmarks of a bastard.

Will kill you, the first chance it gets. An actual bastard.

AVOID LIKE HERPES.

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.

1 Feb

1 paper daleks

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.
Part 1, the “paper” Dalek.

Due to massive job losses on Skaro (caused by Davros killing mostly everyone), economic downturn even effected Dalek production.

As you can see, these Daleks are made of paper. They can STILL hurt you though. Paper cuts are complete bastards. Carry a lighter, set fire to them.

But be aware, where there are paper Daleks, real Daleks aren’t far behind.
Definitely not put up by cheap BBC effects guys. Somewhere there’s a Dalek with scissors & glue, a lethal combination! Paper Daleks can’t kill you but are really annoying. The Dalek version of Terry Wogan then.

Treat with minor caution!

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.

31 Jan

lonely_dalek

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.
Part 6, The Lonely Dalek

Don’t feel sorry for this one, he’s after one thing only. Time energy.
The chances are, the slimy bastard inside wants to squeeze your arse too. Also, that’s not a sink plunger, it’s a sex toy, for probing.

Being the last one of something isn’t always such a terrible thing.
So the Universe loses Daleks? Oh dear, how sad, never mind.

Daleks are sneaky bastards and will do strange shit when you least expect them to. Like levitate! Yes! Before this guy, you could just run up some stairs and go “Fuck you, Buster!”

Now they can fly? Also prone to monologuing. Don’t listen to it.
As with ALL other Daleks, he is a bastard.

Avoid!

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.

31 Jan

dalek

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.
Part 4, the classic Dalek.

This is your classic Dalek. Grey & black.

As is already well known, all Daleks are complete bastards.
Steer well clear of them. Would you want a dalek dating your sister?
NO. Because they’d exterminate her.
You might like this idea but then whose couch are you going to sleep on after you fight with your significant other?
Not this little grey bastards, that’s for sure.
That’s because Daleks don’t own couches.
And this is yet another reason why you can’t trust a Dalek.
They are untrustworthy, non-couch owning bastards.

AVOID.

Doctor Who & The Invasion Of the Cockwombles

31 Jan

The Doctor, “I’m the Doctor & I claim my free ‪#‎fez‬.”
Shadowed enemy, “There’s no fez.”
Useless companion, “Look out Doctor, Its a trap!”
The Doctor, “I was told there’d be a fez!”
Crappy Moffat style twist, “No. Just ‪#‎Daleks‬.”

THE END

More new stories!

16 Dec

Just knocked out 1221 words, a new Bladerunner piece.
Struggled to write the end last night but nailed it just now.

Two things to type up then chilling until tomorrow.

Currently Untitled Discworld fanfic story (don’t say you weren’t warned!)

29 Sep

Ankh Morpork. A river* runs through it.

*Well, they call it a river but only because it flows slightly faster than a glacier. It’s more mud than water, the only place where the annual University boat race is held in boats with holes in the bottom and the crews run across in the surface in boots you’d only ever want to wear once.

Unseen University Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully would rather not explain why his student nickname was “Ridcully The Brown”. Suffice to say it’s one of the reasons he prefers beer over water but no matter how many he drinks he won’t ever forget the day they capsized three times during training.

The horror.

It’s a city that never sleeps.

Why would you sleep when there’s money to be earned, made, stolen, forged or recycled into beer?*

*Quite often not only all in one night but all on the same street within feet of each other.

Forget why! How could you sleep? With all the noise constantly going on? With the barkers selling their wares, Assassins inhuming, Dwarves being chucked both out of and into bars*.

*Depending on the bar, who owned it, who normally drank there and how much of a tab they still owed there.

Watchmen ringing bells at all hours telling you “All’s well!”.

All’s well! Well? The only similarity between Ankh Morpork and wellness is both seem like a deep hole in the ground with a liquid-like substance that might possibly be water* at the bottom.

*Whatever it actually is, you wouldn’t want to wash in it. Or drink it. Or use it in any shape, form or description. Even twice recycled beer is going to taste better. And get your clothes clean. Or slightly cleaner than they already were. Or at least get the sick out of them. Or perhaps at least get the smell of sick out of them.

They say if you can make it there then stay there and keep on making it and try selling it to those stupid enough to buy it because no other bugger is going to take you.*

*In other cities when they ask where you came from, the answer Ankh Morpork ususally gets the response “Too good for The Big Wahoonie? Lawks! Wot a toff! ‘Ere, ‘eave ‘alf a brick at ‘im! We don’t like your sort ‘ere. Move on**.”

**Bugger off. They might not say it, but that’s what they mean.***

***Actually, some of them WILL say it.

Because Ankh Morpork welcomed everyone.

Humans, Dwarves, Trolls, Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies and even Nobby Nobbs – not just in the name of ethnic diversity either (because no-one in Ankh Morpork knew how to spell it without moving their lips and no-one else who actually mattered really cared what it meant any way) but more by the accidental fact he was born there.

If he was born. Which many people deny vehemently. Those that know what it means, that is. Most people assume he was an accident, and not the happy kind either. The very nasty (and loudly voiced) rumour runs along the lines that his mother attracted the attention of an overly affectionate bear.

Nobby Nobbs has never denied this. He hasn’t confirmed it either. Even he isn’t sure who his mother was. Let alone his father.

In Ankh Morpork you can really get into deep trouble.

The kind of trouble that gets you dead.

The kind of trouble that gets you undead.

Or the worst kind of trouble. The kind of trouble that brings you to the attention of The Patrician.

Given the choice you’d much rather be in the kind of trouble that attracts the attention of The City Watch. At least with Sir Samuel Vimes you’d get a fair chance and a lot of sarcasm. If you were injured they’d treat your wounds, maybe. Or let Igor see them. And maybe laugh at them. Or take iconographs of them if he thinks they are particularly interesting.

He’s that kind of Igor.*

*They all are. Ignore any Igor who says he isn’t. Igorinas may be different.**

**It’s highly unlikely they are but it’s possible. This is the Disc, anything’s possible.***

***See footnote [1] below.

It all depended on how you got them. There is even the chance of a lawyer as long as you don’t call Mr Slant, Vimes hates him.

Don’t let yourself think that the City Watch had the market cornered on matters relating to criminal investigation. Far from it. Well, not quite far. There was one other avenue open to those in desperate need and you’d have to be pretty desperate to procure the services of Lewton, Investigator for hire and occasional loan.

When those under the scrutiny of the law say “There’s no justice”, Sir Samuel Vimes is quick to point out “There’s just us.”

Lewton eventually points out “Hey, there’s me as well!“.

Fortunately The Patrician has no need to point out there’s also him too.

Everyone is more than aware he is there, many wish he wasn’t. But the kind of justice he dispenses is normally in coiled hemp form, through a trapdoor. There’s also the door he offers you the free chance to walk out of. It’s very suspicious. Everyone knows about it, no-one knows anyone who’s ever chosen it.*

*Chosen it and lived to report on the matter, that is.

Lewton doesn’t investigate very often, it’s more a hobby. Well, not really a hobby. More a good way to pay his rent and buy important things like food. And the continued attachment of his legs to the rest of his body. [1]

[1] Continued attachment to your legs is not always possible in Ankh Morpork. Especially after hearing phrases such as “Mister Chrysoprase is very upset with you.”

Lewton likes his legs. He likes them attached to his body as it allows him to walk around the city to investigate.

They say all roads lead to Ankh Morpork.*

*Those that don’t fair well and need to make a hasty escape also know all roads lead away from Ankh Morpork to a myriad of places where you aren’t going to be asked questions like “Was it you what done it?”

And all walks of life travel on those roads. Some by coach, some by horse and the rest have to walk. That’s probably why they’re referred to as walks of life. It may not take a lifetime to reach your destination but on some roads it’ll certainly feel like it.