Our Trip (a Doctor Who poem)

19 September 2015 ·

SPOILERS, SWEETIE!

Our Trip, By Ray Daley.

We’re going to Skaro tonight, Wait ’till there isn’t much light,
‘Cause Daleks can’t see in the dark, If they’re stuck in a Genesis Ark.
So we’re going to Skaro today, Whatever the Doctor might say,
We’ll possibly cry, and probably die, or get eaten along the way.
We’re going to meet their Boss, the bloke know as Davros,
He’ll shout & he’ll scream, be incredibly mean, then totally argue the toss.
So we’re going to Skaro today, the Doctor & Clara will play,
We’ll travel in time, our lives on the line, you wouldn’t want it any other way.

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Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.
Part 20, Suicide Daleks

It ain’t easy being a Dalek.It’s not all shits and giggles. Actually there’s no shitting at all, and absolutely zero giggles. Daleks aren’t known for their sense of humour.

It can be quite miserable being a Dalek. Which is why there are no shortage of volunteers for the Dalek Suicide Squad.

Need a Movellan Spaceship blown up? Ask these guys.

Likely to blow themselves up without question.
Unlikely to receive 72 virgins in the afterlife. If Daleks believe in one.

Suicide is never the right option. Stay alive, be a bastard.
Better a live bastard than a dead Dalek. Maybe.

Avoid them, you don’t want to be blown up too!

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.
Part 11, Dalek Sec, Human/Hybrid Dalek

Leader of The Cult Of Skaro. All cult leaders are crazy, case in point, this nutter bastard right here. So crazy he merged a perfectly good Dalek with a mere human.

Only someone forgot to tell him, it’s been done before. Pioneer? My arse!
Someone might want to tell Sec to Google “Arthur Stengos”.

Sec might look cool in his killer suit, but he be crazy.

Likely to look like cross between Mars Attacks and Predator.
Likely to make you into a Pig Slave.
Unlikely to send flowers to the theatre where you work.
Extremely likely to try and take Manhatten. And not give it back.
A bit like your library books. If Daleks read books. But they don’t. No hands, see?

Unlikely to care what you think. Being tall, pretty and Scottish won’t distract him.

If you see him, kick him in the bollocks. Because human weakness is helpful.

Avoid! Half human, half dalek – all bastard.

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.
Part 14, Special Weapons Dalek, Imperial Dalek

Finally, civil war between Daleks erupts and who is there as the muscle, to back up Davros in his silly white golf ball? None other than the Special Weapons Dalek.

Forget all others, this Dalek is harder than nails. He’s harder than rock. Shine on, you crazy diamond!

While all others are happily exterminating stuff with their eggwhisks, this Dalek will be blowing the ever loving CRAP out of everything it sees that isn’t an Imperial Dalek or helpful to their cause.

Likely to make the police think the IRA are bombing London.
Unlikely to be aware of the word bastard. Despite being one.

This Dalek is definitely white & gold. Not blue & black.

The best place to be is behind this Dalek. Several miles behind it.
Preferably round a corner. Made of reinforced concrete. Even then you might not be safe.

Avoid like it’s a dress you don’t care about.

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.
Part 9, Supreme Controller, black Dalek.

As you’d might come to expect from a species of complete power freaks, they love titles. This is the Supreme Controller, otherwise known as the Black Dalek.

Daleks can be pretty racist, for a species that prides itself on purity. There will be no white Daleks until the Dalek civil war starts and Davros decides he wants to take back the power that is rightfully his.

This is when the classic Daleks tell him “You’ve got no legs, why the hell should we listen to you? Piss off!”
As you do. If you’re a Dalek.

This Dalek likes to think he’s in charge. That’s actually the Dalek Emperor’s job. This Dalek is in charge of nothing. Well, maybe all the other mobile Daleks who aren’t nailed to the floor for being complete bastards.

Basically they all just humour him and actually carry on doing whatever the hell they feel like, once he’s buggered off out of the room. “Oh look, it’s Gary, the Black Dalek. Just say ‘Yes sir!’ and he’ll leave us alone.” This is probably happening everywhere this Dalek goes.

If any other Dalek attacks you, tell them Gary sent you. They’ll fuck RIGHT off.

Likely to ask you to go exterminate things, planets, people, small dogs, etc.
Unlikely to ask for a promotion to Emperor.

Avoid like he’s trying to do a survey.

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.
Part 13, the Paradigm Daleks.

These guys decided the Ironsides Dalek wasn’t pure enough. So they exterminated him. Now you’ve got to admit, even by Dalek standards that’s a pretty bastardly thing to do to a fellow member of your own race.

“Dude, you’re green. We don’t like you!“ ZAP! Deader than disco.

Like a Bennetton advert these Daleks come in several different colours, so they can’t be accused of being racist. No-one said you couldn’t accuse them of being complete bastards though, did they?

Likely to be fat and chunky, won’t be taken in by Jammy Dodgers. Unlikely to serve you tea, or like your bow tie.
They won’t care if you’re ginger either.

Like all cowards, they travel in a group. Attack the one that talks the most first.
Using a Spitfire is NOT recommended. Fatter than Churchill.

Avoid. Blow their ship up, if possible. Do not buy in toy form.

Playing with The Doctor

“Everyone inside!”

“Listen stranger, there are 380 million people on this planet. And you’re suggesting we all get inside that tiny blue shed? Who are you, some kind of mad man?”

“That tiny blue shed is a TARDIS. Gallifreyan technology. By the look on your face, you’ve already heard of us? Good! Because I’m The Doctor, and I’m definitely a mad man with a box. Now everyone, get inside! Nobody dies today, because I say so!”

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.
Part 10, The Glass Dalek.

The Glass Dalek was created especially by Davros (whilst hiding at Tranquil Repose), both known as International Bastard and Maker of the Daleks. The Glass Dalek contains a human who is gradually being turned into a Dalek.

Don’t feel sorry for him. He’s stuck in a Dalek. And not even a cool looking Dalek either! Do him a favour. Smash him into a billion tiny pieces with a ruddy great big hammer before he becomes an actual Dalek.

This Dalek may get your show cancelled. You will NOT get to Blackpool. Ever!

Avoid! Glass is super sharp.
Oh, and Daleks are bastards, obviously.

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.
Part 8, The Barnados Dalek.

Caution! Contains children!

As every adult knows, the best kind of children are the ones you can give back to their parents at the end of the day. Not about to happen with this Dalek as it contains orphans, and not the grimy faced, chirpy, loveable orphans either.

These particular orphans have taken rejection by society extremely badly and turned to the ways of a Dalek. Look at that kid on the left, he can’t WAIT to get out of that wheelchair and into a pimped out ride like a Dalek.

These orphans are just fighting each other for the chance to get inside a Dalek, this is EXACTLY the kind of temperament that utter bastards like Daleks are looking for every day!

Likely to ask you for a donation to charity. Almost certainly won’t take no for an answer.

Avoid. Unless you want to adopt a Dalek.
(This is a bad idea.)

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.

Know your Daleks, a recognition guide for companions & assistants.
Part 2, Dalek Emperor.

The good thing for you about this particular Dalek is he’s fixed to the ground, this one won’t be chasing you anywhere, he certainly won’t be exterminating you either.

The flip side of that, this Dalek is TOTALLY in charge of ALL the other Daleks, when he says jump they say “Don’t be stupid, Daleks can’t jump!” But when he says “Exterminate!” They say who, where, when and why aren’t we killing them already.

Which doesn’t just make him a bastard, he’s the King Of The Bastards.

AVOID! Unplug him if you can.
Staying the hell away is the best plan.