God Save The Queen! (a blog exclusive story)

5 Jun

CAUTION! STORY MAY CONTAIN CTHULHU. AND SARCASM.

God Save The Queen!
17/12/16
By Ray Daley

 

Man, those damn Brits are crazy. They don’t try and hide their fanaticism, it’s right out there in plain sight for everyone to hear.

Just listen to their damn national anthem! “God save our gracious Queen, long live our noble Queen, God save the Queen!

One thing no-one ever asks? Which God is saving their Queen, exactly?

Because when you come down to brass tacks, he (or she) is doing a pretty fine job of saving their Queen so far. That God is one attentive and benevolent God to their Queen. He (or she) has given her almost sixty five years of solid Queening so far. And she certainly shows no sign of letting up, does she?

So which God is saving their Queen?

It’s almost certainly a God that demands regular blood sacrifices. Admittedly it’s been a while since the last one but boy did Diana buy the Queen a whole lot of saving.

The Queen and her family have to be getting worried now though. That God has to be baying for new blood right now. It’s been nineteen years since they gave him Diana, just to tie up a few loose ends for the Queen. She never liked her anyway.

But someone has to be getting nervous in the Royal Family now, don’t they? Your eyes naturally turn to Phil The Greek, but would a Queen saving God really want a frail ninety five year old man for his next meal?

Even a blind man knows the answer to that is no.

So which of the royals should be saying their prayers and settling their affairs to let dear old Lillibet carry on Queening up to her hundredth birthday?

Well, if I were a betting man I’d suggest a couple of likely candidates to sate the Elder God’s hunger and renew his Queen saving vigour anew. Because the God that’s currently saving the Queen is obviously Cthulhu. So which royals should be checking they’ve got good life insurance at the moment?

Well, the safe money would be on Sarah Ferguson. She’s still a Duchess, and that’s worth a whole lot of Queen saving to a hungry God.

Not that she is the only person who should be worrying right now. The most useless actual royal of all should also be shitting his regal pants right now, Steady Eddie, the boy who couldn’t cut it in the Royal Marines.

I think he’d buy his dear old Mum at least another twenty years of being saved if he did the noble thing and threw himself under the bus, so to speak.

So yes. The Brits are crazy. God save the Queen indeed.

Just don’t ask them which God. Not if you want to live, that is.

THE END

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