Failed Attempt #1 (A Flash Fiction Story By Ray Daley)

13 Feb

In the vast nothingness, in the moments before everything was created, God said “Let there be light!”

Then there was a pause. And it wasn’t for dramatic effect on God’s part either.

“What?” asked Bruce, God’s sidekick.

(Yes, God had a sidekick. How do you think he stopped himself from going completely batshit crazy in complete nothingness? And yes, his name was Bruce. You know, God did that whole “Let there be Bruce!” bit. And there was. A Bruce, sprung into creation I mean.)

God looked at Bruce. “You’ve forgotten the fucking batteries, haven’t you Bruce?”

Bruce looked at his feet. They were pretty amazing feet. After all, God had created them. But he wasn’t looking at them for their amazingness, he was trying to avoid God’s accusing stare.

“Own up Bruce. You’ve gone and forgotten the fucking batteries, right?” God said.

Bruce just nodded. He was only human. He wasn’t infallible, like his creator. “Could you not…”

“If the next words out of your mouth are ‘create some?’, by me, I’ll smite you good and proper, right where you’re standing. Those batteries took me bloody eons to get right. Can you remember where you saw them last?” God asked.

Bruce racked his brain. Then he remembered. “I know! I left them in the car!”

God tried not to roll his eyes at his creation. He knew he was supposed to be forgiving but frankly Bruce was taking the piss in spades right now. “Okay. They’re in the car then. Now, can you remember where you parked it?”

Bruce racked his brain again. “I remember it was dark there?”

God stared at Bruce again. “It’s dark fucking everywhere, Bruce! That’s why I created the fucking batteries!”

“We could try looking for the car? You cover that half, I’ll cover this half? Meet back here tomorrow?” Bruce suggested.

God shook his head, knowing exactly how vast the nothingness was,  then he had a thought. “I don’t suppose you left the headlights on did you Bruce?”

Bruce looked sheepish. Which was pretty amazing considering sheep hadn’t been created yet. It’s probably where God got the idea from. “Sorry, no. Was I supposed to?”

God tried not to grind his teeth. “Never mind. You start looking that way. If you aren’t back here by this time tomorrow I’ll create another Bruce to help me. ‘Memo to self. Make the little twat infallible this time’.”

It was a good job it was so dark in the complete nothingness. So God didn’t see the look of complete rage on Bruce’s face. “Back here same time tomorrow then. I’ll be back.”

And with that, God strode off into the complete nothingness. “It’s here somewhere. I’m all-knowing. How can I not remember where the damn car is?”

THE END.

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